Anywhere but here, anyone but me…

I find myself on many nights, lying awake and wondering what it must be like not to have to be afraid. When viewed as a snapshot, other people seem to have such idyllic lives. It must be so nice not to have to struggle financially, like Tom? If only I had an amazing family, like Joe. The truth is, when viewed against the seemingly endless string of reasons to fear that you experience in your own life from day to day, all of these people and their experiential Polaroids are infinitely more well-off. The question is, is this assumption a valid reflection of the truth?

It is easy to cherry pick certain aspects of other people's reality, and be envious thereof. But, on closer inspection, one might have to rethink one's initial assessment. Let's take Tom, for instance. Here is a guy who owns a beautiful home, with all the mod cons you could want. He has a great entertainment area, and makes great use of this. You want to be invited to one of his parties as he pulls out all the stops. You always leave his place thinking how wonderful it must be when money is no object, and always being envious that you can't do the same. However, in reality, Tom's house as well as pretty much everything else in it is owned by the bank. It will take him 20 years or more to make it his own. In order to afford this sort of lifestyle, Tom works a 60 hour work week. He has no choice. As a result, his relationship with his wife suffers and his children only see him on weekends. While Tom can kick back at a party, his stress levels are usually through the roof. To compensate, Tom has a few drinks every evening. Over time, one glass becomes one bottle at a time. Tom is now an alcoholic. Most people will agree that, at this point, there is very little left to be envious of.

At the end of the day, you are the only person you need to be able to live with. Chances are good that if you are able to live in peace with yourself, those closest to you will be able to as well. Life is not lived in bits and pieces. It is lived as a whole, where some parts are more pleasant than others, and where you take the salt with the sugar. The truth is that if everything always went well, life would be exceedingly dull. You only learn something by making mistakes and correcting them. You only grow through adversity. Character, as it turns out, is honed by hardship. There is no manual or map that can guide you through life unscathed… But then that is the point to it all, isn't it? The next time I find myself on the verge of a panic attack at 3 AM, I'm going to remind myself that, in life, the bad is there to help me appreciate the good, and that sometimes the good can make it all worthwhile!

So I'm not the world's only lonely heart?

I was very tempted to start this entry with "dear diary…". I mean, really, I've become convinced that when it comes to matters of the heart I was romantically retarded or something. Yes, I hear the baying of people shouting how "un-politically correct" that statement is. To you I say: "get over it!" A very dear friend of mine is currently going through something very similar to what I've experienced when it comes to relationships. We console ourselves with Jack Daniels and the odd chocolate, gravitating between thoughts of "what did I do wrong?" and "… She is a narcissistic cow and she doesn't deserve me."

Of course, these are feelings that that other person will never know –, or care – about. Ultimately, you can boil it down to a ridiculous case of venting, with a healthy side order of self-pity. So, if I were to impart a little of the wisdom I might have gained along the way, I'd point you to a timeless classic by one of my favourite artists, Billy Joel: "don't go changing to try to please me; you've never let me down before. And don't imagine you're too familiar…" Yeah, the song is "Just the way you are", and that's the way you should accept yourself – and your significant other.

So I'm rambling. Big deal! I've had a crappy week. People don't keep their word, things sometimes don't happen the way you'd like them to. Get over it, get on with it! I'd say this as much to someone reading this as I do to myself… everyday. Where to from here? Who the hell knows. It's your life, so live it! Maybe you thought that this was the love of your life? Obviously, that feeling wasn't mutual. Don't be scared to put your toe in the water again. Sure there are sharks, but there is also incredible beauty just waiting to be found by you. If my unapologetic self-indulgence has inspired you to fight another day, I'm glad. If not… Well let's just say that the lesson may come from another source. Goods night and good luck.

Letter to my unborn son

I really thought long and hard about whether or not to write this entry. Ever since I can remember, I've always had one desire above all else; to have a family, to be a father. Growing up, I couldn't have had two more contrasting parents. Life, it turns out, is not without a sense of irony. I'm eternally grateful to both of them for the example they set. Don't get me wrong; neither of them was perfect. My gratitude lies in having been able to observe both their triumphs as well as their failures, taking it all on-board, and not having to learn life's lessons for myself the hard way. I found myself thinking a little while ago: What would I have thought on the day my child was born? Many of my friends and acquaintances have young children. I've seen a myriad of reactions to new arrivals, both in terms of how they felt as individuals as well as how they felt about this new little life. So, I write this from a position of absolute inexperience, perhaps even a bit of romanticism… but I'm putting out there anyway – for myself as much as anyone.

To my beautiful baby boy,

Today you were born. Today I learnt what it was to love. The moment I saw you I knew you were mine. The moment I saw you I knew God was smiling down from heaven. So frail, so delicate, so perfect. I cannot imagine a time in my life when my life wasn't about me… until now. Years from now, you'll be a man. Years from now, you may have a family of your own. Protecting you, providing for you, guiding you; I hope that in this life I can give you everything you need to know that you were loved. You are my wish come true. I hope, when you read this some day, that you'll know that your old dad cherished you with every fibre of his being. I hope that you'll know that I did the best I could for you. For better or for worse, we're in this adventure together, you and I. Right now, in this moment, I cannot imagine another guy being more proud, more humbled or feeling more joy than I do. I thank God for you and pray that He may always watch over you when I can't.

Loving you, always and forever –
Dad