This is the life... or is it?

I could really get used to this! Having a few days where I just kick back with some DVDs, a good book and some test match cricket. Throw in the odd braai (that's what we in South Africa call a barbeque), a beer or two, and I'm a very happy guy. It's at times like these that I often reflect on things. I had a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment yesterday, an epiphany it could be called.

We tend to entertain ourselves with 'escapism', that is to say, immersing ourselves in the doings of others, whether it be the characters in a story, sporting heroes... anyone but ourselves. It seems that we find it pleasurable imagining ourselves living out our lives as someone else, doing something else, somewhere far, far away. This got me thinking: How many of us are human 'beings' as opposed to human 'doings'? How many of us live our lives in the third person?

I like to think that I'm the kind of guy that lives life with purpose, with passion. I have hopes and dreams --- I'm sure most people do. The question I find myself asking is: "How much of our ambition-, how many our expectations-, how many of the criteria for measuring our own happiness- have we taken on-board through comparing ourselves to others... real or imagined?" It's rather sad to hear so many people I know speak of their lives with so many regrets.

A friend recently told me that these are "supposed" to be the best years of my life. I'm 36 years old. The accident I had at 16 put pay to my dreams of being a surgeon. Does that mean that I've had 20 "wasted" years? I spent 10 years in tertiary education, spanning 3 different courses. I spent 7 years in a relationship with an amazing woman. I've had some incredible experiences. For me, the most meaningful "success" I've had was realizing that throughout this time I have been discovering different aspects of someone, it turns out, I barely knew... myself.

Today I stand on the threshold of finally seeing a fruition-, a culmination- of everything I've learned and hoped for. I am excited. I am expectant. I did it on my own terms. Roll on, 2010!

Auld Lang Syne...

It's the end of another year. They just seem to fly by, don't they? The gifts have been unwrapped, the turkey gobbled, the saviour remembered... in short, Christmas is behind me. I must say, it was an emotional one for me, but in a good way. I am so humbled by the incredible people in my life. I have such amazing friends and family. It's easy to overlook the impact they have on my life... but get them all together in one room, add some conversation and a drink or two --- even I get blubbery! It's such a blessing to be able to get together with the extended family at Brightwater Lodge in Houtbay (yes, I know it's a shameless plug, but it's a really cool B & B).

So now it's a countdown to 2010. I'm really optimistic for the year to come. Financially, socially, spiritually... it all just feels like something huge is coming. So, yeah, light the fires, pop the bubbly! I'm excited for what the New Year will bring. If nothing else, it's a new beginning. No, I'm not talking about those stupid 'resolutions' that everyone makes and nobody keeps. I'm talking about having January 1 really be the proverbial 'first day of the rest of your life'. I really hope to reconnect with people this year and build relationships with friends, old and new. Who knows? I might even give YOU, reading this, a call. I'd say this, though: don't wait for me to call... my cell number is 079 662 9117 --- call me! Let's chat.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

It's fair to say that I've had a pretty difficult week. Teething problems with my new assistant led the way and it was a roller-coaster ride from then on. Now that the rest of all the work issues have been wrapped up, I'm hoping that the wind-down to Christmas will go a little more smoothly. Phew! Yet there's a pretty full week lined up. Appointment with the attorney, with my partner on Tuesday, Christmas shopping on Wednesday, Christmas Eve dinner on Thursday and Christmas lunch on Friday... I'm going to need a vacation!

Last night I shared in a farewell dinner for a friend from Brazil. I'm really going to miss Mariana when she leaves on Tuesday. On the menu was a wonderful meal of Pork Roll and roast potatoes, which I absolutely loved. Man, these guys can cook! As the night wore on, and the red wine kicked in (hic!) the conversation gravitated to a topic I've been giving a lot of thought. As anyone who's read my blogs will know, I'm single, and have been for almost 3 years. Lately, I've started wondering about who I'll end up marrying. I've had my fill of girlfriends and "loose" relationships that end up going nowhere. So, you may ask, what exactly am I looking for? Someone said to me that a reasonable age gap is anything up to 15 years. That seems quite extreme to me but, thinking about it, hmmm... I suppose there might be a 21 year old that fits the mold. I'm a guy who enjoys being challenged, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. Mrs Guillum-Scott will first and foremost have to be my friend, accepting me as I am, with respect, love and trust being the foundation. After that... well, I'm adventurous, romantic and passionate, so I might be a little much to deal with for some, but I'm also loyal, gentle, giving and sensitive. I suppose, to quote Shrek, I'm like an onion, with many layers. Here's hoping...

Anyhow, to bring the self indulgence back to a simmer. I look forward to 2010. I finally managed to request Football World Cup tickets. Two group games: England vs Algeria & Holland vs Cameroon, and a Semi-Final. I have to wait 'til February to see if I'm successful, but here's hoping! Then there's the IT business I'm starting with my partner. I'm feeling very positive about it. We've done a lot of work on our business plan and cashflow projection, and with great feedback from all we've presented it to, I'm very excited to see where it goes. Last, but certainly not least, I am going to start on Ambrotose asap. If you're wondering what that is, you should probably visit http://www.mannapages.com/guillum. This stuff looks like something everyone should take, and that all will benefit from. I'll keep you updated how it affects me. So I'll sign off on this thought... live life, taking every opportunity for happiness and discovery; you never regret stuff you do as much as stuff you pass up.

Et tu Brute?

What is a true friend? Yeah, I know, it's a bit like asking: What's the meaning of life? A hundred people will more than likely give one a hundred different answers. It is, however, something I've been thinking about lately. The difference, in my instance however, is that I'm wondering how I can be a true friend to someone else. You might say to me, do unto others as you'd have them do unto you... hmmm. Well, that would be sage advice, unless...

Okay, let me start at the beginning. A couple of weeks ago, someone re-entered my life. A friend who I'd last had contact with many years ago. This was a very welcome surprise, and like a couple of schoolgirls, we busied ourselves with catching up... more than a decade's worth. It is incredible to experience life through the eyes of another, especially someone you have such a storied history with. Memories, memories, and more memories. We virtually grew up in each other's homes. But, as is inevitable, ones life never shadows anyone else's. My path led to paralysis, struggle, academia, love and heartache... and so many other things that shaped me. The most important event for me was, of course, the discovery of my identity in Christ.

This was the most incredible moment of freedom I had ever experienced. It also clarified many questions I had had since childhood. Issues regarding purpose, role, and of course all the do's and dont's. For someone like me, boundaries were a welcome thing, considering the path I had been on. By my nature, I'm a guy who loves --- fiercely and completely! Whether you're my lover, my friend, or someone I just met, I will trust you until you give me reason not to, I will care for you even inspite of you, in short, I will try to think the best of you. Call me a hopeless romantic or a deluded fool but, by all means, call me. So, getting back to my story...

My friend decides the time was right to confide in me. He's gay. This was, of course, followed by a very pregnant pause. The crickets were chirping, the silence deafening... wow. Now, having said everything that has come before, you might ask me how I felt, right? I'm one of those guys who'll bash you with my Book, filled with it's pummeling condemnation and it's paralysing guilt, right? I'd be lying if I claimed that the thought didn't cross my mind. Looking across at his fear, his obvious insecurity of where to turn, something dawned on me. This wasn't about me. How my sense of morality had felt, sullied or otherwise was irrelevant. He is my friend. He is gay. I might wish that away, but I believe that my "perfect little world" is more than screwed up enough to get over myself. Mate, I love you as you were, as you are, and for better or for worse, I love you for everything you'll be!

The road is long...

Wow, isn't life just totally unpredictable sometimes? Choose your epiphet. Mine would've been: "May the bluebird of happiness crap in your eye!" I awoke this morning, thinking how things just don't get any better. I was, of course, bummed that our football team got such a hectic draw for the world cup; I mean - France, Uruguay, and Mexico (2 world cup winners right there!)... ugh. But, looking on the bright side, I had my brand new Gold Mastercard, just itching to go get some world cup tickets, right? Wrong!

FIFA, it seems, neglected to include a 'wheelchair' option to their online booking system. Will I get my tickets? I'll keep you posted. So I took a nap... rhubarbrhubarb. I was subsequently woken with peanuts and beer. So it's not all bad, right? Man, God's got my back... next thing I know I'm whisked off to the pool for a swim. I'm in heaven. And then I decided, stuff it, let's do this properly... so now we're having a barbeque! I'm of the opinion that the only thing that'll make my life as good as it gets will be to find my Proverbs 31 wife --- I'm not discounting anything! If I've learned anything it's that anything is possible.

Waiting on a Miracle

What do you do when, somehow, a Springsteen song shakes a few cobwebs loose in the mists of your mind and inspires you to post a blog entry? Considering that I haven't posted one in a year and a half, the only reader to this bit of unashamed self indulgence may turn out to be the proverbial "ghost in the machine". One good thing is that I won't be short of stuff to write about. So much has happened, it's difficult to know where to begin?

So, as we all know, the world decided that it was a good time to have a recession. Hindsight being the wonderful 20/20 experience that it is, it goes without saying that yours truly also saw his hiney up close and personal. I lost more than some, less than others... but enough to be resolute in leaving share trading to the "experts", although I'm currently of the opinion that this is a contradiction in terms.

Now, you may ask: "Where to next?" Believe me, I asked the same thing --- in between panic attacks. It's not much fun to realise that your life has reached a point of critical mass and you have about as much control over it as you do over a nuclear explosion. All I can say is "buckle up, it's a bumpy ride!"... oh, and yeah, there's no steering. Thank God... let me say it again... Thank God for a church like mine! A change of address, a rethink of your own universal significance, and 9 months later --- to quote Dame Elton: "I'M STILL STANDING!"

Phew! So here I am, having discovered something called Ambrotose... something I reckon everyone should take... and on the eve of a whole new adventure. I'm ironing the kinks out of a IT business plan for 2010 (No, it has nothing to do with football) and looking forward to another blessed Christmas with my family. Oh, I almost forgot... the pain in my butt, literally, will hopefully be a thing of the past pretty soon.

So, to take stock --- I'm still single, I'm still counting my pennies, and I'm still a little bit of a nutcase. But, hey, guess what? I'm happy!

No man is an island unto himself

You'd be forgiven for asking: "Where the @#$% have you been?" All I can say is that when you get sick once a decade it's usually not pretty. It hasn't been all bad though. I've been reconnecting with my spiritual side and all I can say is "God rocks!" Yup, you guessed it... I'm a reborn Christian. I'll be kicking it with Jesus Christ someday. So, without turning this post into a sermon, all I can say is even when it's bad it good.

I'm turning 35 on Monday. Happy birthday to me! I remember a time when anyone over twenty-ten qualified as an official fossil. I guess that puts me somewhere between the Jurassic- and Cretacious- periods. A good bottle of Kanonkop red and a steak sounds about right for a dinosaur in his prime.

Otherwise there's not much to report. I'm definitely making a "birthday resolution" this year... I'm going to start dating again. 18 months of mourning someone is getting toward being just plain sad, even if she was the love of your life.