I haven't submitted/posted/written in this blog for the longest time. So I got to asking myself, why? The truth is, I haven't got the foggiest idea. It's not like I don't have things to inspire me, or a very boring life. Quite the opposite, actually. So WTF?! Could it be that I am just plain lazy? Why is it that people in this world, wracked with the most morbid self loathing or the most self deifying narcissism can put out small novels in blogs? I just don't get it.
Anyhow, here goes for my own two cents worth. I am in a very interesting space at the moment. My life is never easy. Every day I try to find new reasons to justify why it is I woke up that morning. No, this is not me sending out invites to my pity party. It's just something that the universe decided was to be what I like to call my life. Actually, I don't have too much to complain about. Blessings abound! The problem is, I want more.
You can do the checklist. Job? Check. Roof over my head? Check. Food on the table? Check. Girlfriend? Well, on that one, it's a very hazy check. So what, exactly, is the problem? My life has actually taken on some interesting dimensions lately. I'm getting out a lot more. I'm never short of friends. So why all this angst? Sure, there are things that I need, but don't most of us? I have dreams and desires. For heavens sake, these are what drive me! So why all this insecurity, all of a sudden? I thought I left that behind after puberty. Is this what they call a midlife crisis? My God, I'm turning into Woody Allen! If things carry on like this, I'm going to be a card-carrying member of neurotics anonymous.
They say that men never know what it is that women want. Forget that! Right now, I need to figure out what I want. It's hard to think outside the box when you're living outside your mind half the time. I know I'd like to travel some more -- speaking of which, there is still a half written blog on my last trip I still haven't published. Note to self: FINISH IT! -- I digress. It's no secret that I desire, perhaps more than anything else, someone to share my life with. For that, I need to be patient. Yeah, that's me… Will Patience Scott. I've done more than 20 years of it! It does get a bit old from time to time. Yet, after having said all that, I feel like I'm still missing something.
What is it going to take to be content? Don't get me wrong, I have no need for others to massage my ego. Surprisingly, I like the person I am… even though I frustrate myself more than any wife ever could. Ambition, it turns out, is a bitch of a mistress. The way things are going, nothing is ever going to be good enough. As I read my own words, I feel the most deep, dark despair for the poor soul that says "I do" to me on our wedding day. Where is "nature versus nurture" in all this? For heaven's sake, there are days where I feel like I was toilet trained at gunpoint! Maybe, the truth is, I am simply another screwed up member of the human race trying to figure out the logic behind it all. Yeah, good luck with that.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Anywhere but here, anyone but me…
I find myself on many nights, lying awake and wondering what it must be like not to have to be afraid. When viewed as a snapshot, other people seem to have such idyllic lives. It must be so nice not to have to struggle financially, like Tom? If only I had an amazing family, like Joe. The truth is, when viewed against the seemingly endless string of reasons to fear that you experience in your own life from day to day, all of these people and their experiential Polaroids are infinitely more well-off. The question is, is this assumption a valid reflection of the truth?
It is easy to cherry pick certain aspects of other people's reality, and be envious thereof. But, on closer inspection, one might have to rethink one's initial assessment. Let's take Tom, for instance. Here is a guy who owns a beautiful home, with all the mod cons you could want. He has a great entertainment area, and makes great use of this. You want to be invited to one of his parties as he pulls out all the stops. You always leave his place thinking how wonderful it must be when money is no object, and always being envious that you can't do the same. However, in reality, Tom's house as well as pretty much everything else in it is owned by the bank. It will take him 20 years or more to make it his own. In order to afford this sort of lifestyle, Tom works a 60 hour work week. He has no choice. As a result, his relationship with his wife suffers and his children only see him on weekends. While Tom can kick back at a party, his stress levels are usually through the roof. To compensate, Tom has a few drinks every evening. Over time, one glass becomes one bottle at a time. Tom is now an alcoholic. Most people will agree that, at this point, there is very little left to be envious of.
At the end of the day, you are the only person you need to be able to live with. Chances are good that if you are able to live in peace with yourself, those closest to you will be able to as well. Life is not lived in bits and pieces. It is lived as a whole, where some parts are more pleasant than others, and where you take the salt with the sugar. The truth is that if everything always went well, life would be exceedingly dull. You only learn something by making mistakes and correcting them. You only grow through adversity. Character, as it turns out, is honed by hardship. There is no manual or map that can guide you through life unscathed… But then that is the point to it all, isn't it? The next time I find myself on the verge of a panic attack at 3 AM, I'm going to remind myself that, in life, the bad is there to help me appreciate the good, and that sometimes the good can make it all worthwhile!
It is easy to cherry pick certain aspects of other people's reality, and be envious thereof. But, on closer inspection, one might have to rethink one's initial assessment. Let's take Tom, for instance. Here is a guy who owns a beautiful home, with all the mod cons you could want. He has a great entertainment area, and makes great use of this. You want to be invited to one of his parties as he pulls out all the stops. You always leave his place thinking how wonderful it must be when money is no object, and always being envious that you can't do the same. However, in reality, Tom's house as well as pretty much everything else in it is owned by the bank. It will take him 20 years or more to make it his own. In order to afford this sort of lifestyle, Tom works a 60 hour work week. He has no choice. As a result, his relationship with his wife suffers and his children only see him on weekends. While Tom can kick back at a party, his stress levels are usually through the roof. To compensate, Tom has a few drinks every evening. Over time, one glass becomes one bottle at a time. Tom is now an alcoholic. Most people will agree that, at this point, there is very little left to be envious of.
At the end of the day, you are the only person you need to be able to live with. Chances are good that if you are able to live in peace with yourself, those closest to you will be able to as well. Life is not lived in bits and pieces. It is lived as a whole, where some parts are more pleasant than others, and where you take the salt with the sugar. The truth is that if everything always went well, life would be exceedingly dull. You only learn something by making mistakes and correcting them. You only grow through adversity. Character, as it turns out, is honed by hardship. There is no manual or map that can guide you through life unscathed… But then that is the point to it all, isn't it? The next time I find myself on the verge of a panic attack at 3 AM, I'm going to remind myself that, in life, the bad is there to help me appreciate the good, and that sometimes the good can make it all worthwhile!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
So I'm not the world's only lonely heart?
I was very tempted to start this entry with "dear diary…". I mean, really, I've become convinced that when it comes to matters of the heart I was romantically retarded or something. Yes, I hear the baying of people shouting how "un-politically correct" that statement is. To you I say: "get over it!" A very dear friend of mine is currently going through something very similar to what I've experienced when it comes to relationships. We console ourselves with Jack Daniels and the odd chocolate, gravitating between thoughts of "what did I do wrong?" and "… She is a narcissistic cow and she doesn't deserve me."
Of course, these are feelings that that other person will never know –, or care – about. Ultimately, you can boil it down to a ridiculous case of venting, with a healthy side order of self-pity. So, if I were to impart a little of the wisdom I might have gained along the way, I'd point you to a timeless classic by one of my favourite artists, Billy Joel: "don't go changing to try to please me; you've never let me down before. And don't imagine you're too familiar…" Yeah, the song is "Just the way you are", and that's the way you should accept yourself – and your significant other.
So I'm rambling. Big deal! I've had a crappy week. People don't keep their word, things sometimes don't happen the way you'd like them to. Get over it, get on with it! I'd say this as much to someone reading this as I do to myself… everyday. Where to from here? Who the hell knows. It's your life, so live it! Maybe you thought that this was the love of your life? Obviously, that feeling wasn't mutual. Don't be scared to put your toe in the water again. Sure there are sharks, but there is also incredible beauty just waiting to be found by you. If my unapologetic self-indulgence has inspired you to fight another day, I'm glad. If not… Well let's just say that the lesson may come from another source. Goods night and good luck.
Of course, these are feelings that that other person will never know –, or care – about. Ultimately, you can boil it down to a ridiculous case of venting, with a healthy side order of self-pity. So, if I were to impart a little of the wisdom I might have gained along the way, I'd point you to a timeless classic by one of my favourite artists, Billy Joel: "don't go changing to try to please me; you've never let me down before. And don't imagine you're too familiar…" Yeah, the song is "Just the way you are", and that's the way you should accept yourself – and your significant other.
So I'm rambling. Big deal! I've had a crappy week. People don't keep their word, things sometimes don't happen the way you'd like them to. Get over it, get on with it! I'd say this as much to someone reading this as I do to myself… everyday. Where to from here? Who the hell knows. It's your life, so live it! Maybe you thought that this was the love of your life? Obviously, that feeling wasn't mutual. Don't be scared to put your toe in the water again. Sure there are sharks, but there is also incredible beauty just waiting to be found by you. If my unapologetic self-indulgence has inspired you to fight another day, I'm glad. If not… Well let's just say that the lesson may come from another source. Goods night and good luck.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Letter to my unborn son
I really thought long and hard about whether or not to write this entry. Ever since I can remember, I've always had one desire above all else; to have a family, to be a father. Growing up, I couldn't have had two more contrasting parents. Life, it turns out, is not without a sense of irony. I'm eternally grateful to both of them for the example they set. Don't get me wrong; neither of them was perfect. My gratitude lies in having been able to observe both their triumphs as well as their failures, taking it all on-board, and not having to learn life's lessons for myself the hard way. I found myself thinking a little while ago: What would I have thought on the day my child was born? Many of my friends and acquaintances have young children. I've seen a myriad of reactions to new arrivals, both in terms of how they felt as individuals as well as how they felt about this new little life. So, I write this from a position of absolute inexperience, perhaps even a bit of romanticism… but I'm putting out there anyway – for myself as much as anyone.
To my beautiful baby boy,
Today you were born. Today I learnt what it was to love. The moment I saw you I knew you were mine. The moment I saw you I knew God was smiling down from heaven. So frail, so delicate, so perfect. I cannot imagine a time in my life when my life wasn't about me… until now. Years from now, you'll be a man. Years from now, you may have a family of your own. Protecting you, providing for you, guiding you; I hope that in this life I can give you everything you need to know that you were loved. You are my wish come true. I hope, when you read this some day, that you'll know that your old dad cherished you with every fibre of his being. I hope that you'll know that I did the best I could for you. For better or for worse, we're in this adventure together, you and I. Right now, in this moment, I cannot imagine another guy being more proud, more humbled or feeling more joy than I do. I thank God for you and pray that He may always watch over you when I can't.
Loving you, always and forever –
Dad
To my beautiful baby boy,
Today you were born. Today I learnt what it was to love. The moment I saw you I knew you were mine. The moment I saw you I knew God was smiling down from heaven. So frail, so delicate, so perfect. I cannot imagine a time in my life when my life wasn't about me… until now. Years from now, you'll be a man. Years from now, you may have a family of your own. Protecting you, providing for you, guiding you; I hope that in this life I can give you everything you need to know that you were loved. You are my wish come true. I hope, when you read this some day, that you'll know that your old dad cherished you with every fibre of his being. I hope that you'll know that I did the best I could for you. For better or for worse, we're in this adventure together, you and I. Right now, in this moment, I cannot imagine another guy being more proud, more humbled or feeling more joy than I do. I thank God for you and pray that He may always watch over you when I can't.
Loving you, always and forever –
Dad
Friday, December 31, 2010
Out with the old and in with the new.
It's 10 o'clock on the last day of 2010. I couldn't see in the New Year without saying goodbye to the old properly. What a rollercoaster ride it's been! It's only fitting that I give this last year a worthy sendoff. Where to start? January seems an eon ago.
I started this year with hopes, dreams and ambitions which would necessarily make it better than the one before. I suppose, for most people, this is what you do every year. Of course, for me, the highlight of 2010 was always going to be the FIFA World Cup... yeah, for me and for 40 million others! This year, it might surprise some to know, will go down first, for me, as one of incredible healing. Don't get me wrong – going to the World Cup was a bucket list event. However, I'm days away from saying goodbye to the pressure sore that has kept me bedridden for the better part of a year and a half. As if this wasn't enough, I do believe that I've finally reached the place of closure with regards to my last relationship. I might have said this before, I'll say it again: 3 and a half years is about frikkin time!
Christmas, 2010, will go down as the first truly merry yuletide in 6 years. Instead of the episode of Jerry Springer that I've gotten used to, this year turned out to be filled with loving family, moments to be cherished and memories to last forever. I was filled with the most incredible sense of gratitude and hope. This, to me, is what Christmas is all about. As an old friend put it so cynically, Gift-mas, is much more than a typo. Sadly it's a reflection of the society we're all a part of. For me, however, this year's event has helped restore my faith.
I suppose I have to say that, in accordance with the up and down nature of the year gone by, the year-end has not been entirely uneventful. For the last three days I've been dealing with a digestive tract that is chosen to go thermonuclear on me. It has not been pretty! My apologies to anyone who reads this with an overactive imagination. So, here I am with auld lang syne on my mind and less than an hour to go. To all my friends; thanks for being so supportive, thanks for being there for me and, probably most of all, thanks for putting up with me. To my amazing family; I love you one and all more than words can say or science can measure – you're all my inspiration, my raison d'être,.
As for resolutions, I never usually make them. My hope is that the New Year will bring new adventures, new challenges, new friends – perhaps even the reappearance of some old ones. My journey through this life has taught me enough to know that things are surprising, sometimes disappointing but never truly boring. It is, after all, the unexpected that keeps us guessing what exactly life will throw at us next. Fake it 'til uou make it, remember that the sun will come out tomorrow – choose your cliche but always remember: never give up, never throw in the towel. The night is always darkest just before the dawn. As for me, I'll hold on to the words of 2 Chronicles 15:7 – "Be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded."
I started this year with hopes, dreams and ambitions which would necessarily make it better than the one before. I suppose, for most people, this is what you do every year. Of course, for me, the highlight of 2010 was always going to be the FIFA World Cup... yeah, for me and for 40 million others! This year, it might surprise some to know, will go down first, for me, as one of incredible healing. Don't get me wrong – going to the World Cup was a bucket list event. However, I'm days away from saying goodbye to the pressure sore that has kept me bedridden for the better part of a year and a half. As if this wasn't enough, I do believe that I've finally reached the place of closure with regards to my last relationship. I might have said this before, I'll say it again: 3 and a half years is about frikkin time!
Christmas, 2010, will go down as the first truly merry yuletide in 6 years. Instead of the episode of Jerry Springer that I've gotten used to, this year turned out to be filled with loving family, moments to be cherished and memories to last forever. I was filled with the most incredible sense of gratitude and hope. This, to me, is what Christmas is all about. As an old friend put it so cynically, Gift-mas, is much more than a typo. Sadly it's a reflection of the society we're all a part of. For me, however, this year's event has helped restore my faith.
I suppose I have to say that, in accordance with the up and down nature of the year gone by, the year-end has not been entirely uneventful. For the last three days I've been dealing with a digestive tract that is chosen to go thermonuclear on me. It has not been pretty! My apologies to anyone who reads this with an overactive imagination. So, here I am with auld lang syne on my mind and less than an hour to go. To all my friends; thanks for being so supportive, thanks for being there for me and, probably most of all, thanks for putting up with me. To my amazing family; I love you one and all more than words can say or science can measure – you're all my inspiration, my raison d'être,.
As for resolutions, I never usually make them. My hope is that the New Year will bring new adventures, new challenges, new friends – perhaps even the reappearance of some old ones. My journey through this life has taught me enough to know that things are surprising, sometimes disappointing but never truly boring. It is, after all, the unexpected that keeps us guessing what exactly life will throw at us next. Fake it 'til uou make it, remember that the sun will come out tomorrow – choose your cliche but always remember: never give up, never throw in the towel. The night is always darkest just before the dawn. As for me, I'll hold on to the words of 2 Chronicles 15:7 – "Be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded."
Friday, December 10, 2010
For the frustrated, the bored, or for those looking for a whole new kind of drug...
Someone like me is forever looking to expand the boundaries that life places on me. It is with this mindset that I embarked this week on something I've never done before. For five days now, I've been on a fast. To most people, this would imply starving oneself. Fasting necessarily involves sacrifice. Besides the obvious health issues, I really wouldn't miss food all that much. What I do –, and have – been missing, since Monday, is television. Keeping up-to-date with current affairs, watching my beloved football, these are the things that are staples of mine in any given day. So I've foregone them in an attempt to connect with Him who truly matters.
The first few days were tough. I spent a lot of time in prayer, reading my Bible, and whenever temptation grabbed me, meditating on Christ. Just when I began thinking I was making a total fool of myself, I tried an evening of prayer and worship with music blaring. Guess what? God showed up!!! What he said to me was this: you need to trust me, you need to submit yourself to me, and you need to lighten up and let me in. I have so much I want to give you, so much love, so much grace – why won't you let me? While I'm still waiting, and trusting for more, I am extremely excited. I know so many people going through the toughest of times. All my experience has taught me is to try and convey to them this much; hang in there and truly believe. So many of us want to pretend that we are the masters of our own destiny. So many of us seem to think that it's only up to us. I was one of these people. I was so wrong.
Today is Friday. I'm fasting until Sunday night. Now that I'm sure that God truly listens when I call to him I am all the more determined to hear from Him. Tonight, once again, I'll be cranking up my music and putting my off-pitch voice to the test. Tonight, once again, I will earnestly pray and ask Him how to best go about hearing His voice. I used to care what people thought when I told them that I was a Christian. I used to let people intimidate me into keeping quiet about my love for Jesus. Never again! This is my life, this is my truth.
The first few days were tough. I spent a lot of time in prayer, reading my Bible, and whenever temptation grabbed me, meditating on Christ. Just when I began thinking I was making a total fool of myself, I tried an evening of prayer and worship with music blaring. Guess what? God showed up!!! What he said to me was this: you need to trust me, you need to submit yourself to me, and you need to lighten up and let me in. I have so much I want to give you, so much love, so much grace – why won't you let me? While I'm still waiting, and trusting for more, I am extremely excited. I know so many people going through the toughest of times. All my experience has taught me is to try and convey to them this much; hang in there and truly believe. So many of us want to pretend that we are the masters of our own destiny. So many of us seem to think that it's only up to us. I was one of these people. I was so wrong.
Today is Friday. I'm fasting until Sunday night. Now that I'm sure that God truly listens when I call to him I am all the more determined to hear from Him. Tonight, once again, I'll be cranking up my music and putting my off-pitch voice to the test. Tonight, once again, I will earnestly pray and ask Him how to best go about hearing His voice. I used to care what people thought when I told them that I was a Christian. I used to let people intimidate me into keeping quiet about my love for Jesus. Never again! This is my life, this is my truth.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
What a wonderful world...
It's been a long year. I haven't written in quite a while, partly due to a lack of enthusiasm, partly due to the toll my mouthstick is taking on my teeth. Sadly, I have not been blessed with the dentures of a gerbil. But, as with everything else in life opportunities present themselves: I'm teaching my computer to understand my speech. You've got to love technology!
So, where to begin? Is it just me, or is the world going mad? We've certainly had our share of headlines this year. From highlights like the FIFA World Cup, the groundbreaking rescue of Chilean miners, and the announcement of a royal wedding to the inevitable tragedies and disasters that tend to lead news bulletins from day-to-day. My question is this: where is the love? It comes as no surprise to me that we make such a big deal out of the "good" news. After all, we're starved of it. Is the media a true reflection of the world's mood? Are nations really so selfish? Are we, as individuals, truly so apathetic? I'm starting to believe that the world we live in needs an enema.
My life has truly been anything but ordinary. Where once I had the body of an athlete... and the ego to match, now I have what I can only describe as the proverbial opposite. Yet, it seems to me that the former was far more highly prized by others. Does the shallowness of this world have no bounds? Of course it may well be that I'm merely jaded by my own experiences and observations. In a way, I certainly hope so. Ironically, I would feel far happier knowing that I'm merely narcissistic and opinionated. That way the only one who will need changing is me.
As we head into the festive season to come, I hope that people will once again connect with those things that are really important: caring for others unconditionally, appreciating the little things we otherwise take for granted, remembering those who are less fortunate than ourselves and, most importantly, believing that real change can only start with ourselves. Santa Claus and Christmas trees, gifts and holiday frivolity will come and go. While this is a joyous time of the year, next year will bring new opportunities and challenges of its own. I for one intend making 2011 a year to remember. I'm grateful for all the opportunities I have received and I thank God for those people in my life that constantly remind me that this life is not just about me.
So, where to begin? Is it just me, or is the world going mad? We've certainly had our share of headlines this year. From highlights like the FIFA World Cup, the groundbreaking rescue of Chilean miners, and the announcement of a royal wedding to the inevitable tragedies and disasters that tend to lead news bulletins from day-to-day. My question is this: where is the love? It comes as no surprise to me that we make such a big deal out of the "good" news. After all, we're starved of it. Is the media a true reflection of the world's mood? Are nations really so selfish? Are we, as individuals, truly so apathetic? I'm starting to believe that the world we live in needs an enema.
My life has truly been anything but ordinary. Where once I had the body of an athlete... and the ego to match, now I have what I can only describe as the proverbial opposite. Yet, it seems to me that the former was far more highly prized by others. Does the shallowness of this world have no bounds? Of course it may well be that I'm merely jaded by my own experiences and observations. In a way, I certainly hope so. Ironically, I would feel far happier knowing that I'm merely narcissistic and opinionated. That way the only one who will need changing is me.
As we head into the festive season to come, I hope that people will once again connect with those things that are really important: caring for others unconditionally, appreciating the little things we otherwise take for granted, remembering those who are less fortunate than ourselves and, most importantly, believing that real change can only start with ourselves. Santa Claus and Christmas trees, gifts and holiday frivolity will come and go. While this is a joyous time of the year, next year will bring new opportunities and challenges of its own. I for one intend making 2011 a year to remember. I'm grateful for all the opportunities I have received and I thank God for those people in my life that constantly remind me that this life is not just about me.
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