Out with the old and in with the new.

It's 10 o'clock on the last day of 2010. I couldn't see in the New Year without saying goodbye to the old properly. What a rollercoaster ride it's been! It's only fitting that I give this last year a worthy sendoff. Where to start? January seems an eon ago.

I started this year with hopes, dreams and ambitions which would necessarily make it better than the one before. I suppose, for most people, this is what you do every year. Of course, for me, the highlight of 2010 was always going to be the FIFA World Cup... yeah, for me and for 40 million others! This year, it might surprise some to know, will go down first, for me, as one of incredible healing. Don't get me wrong – going to the World Cup was a bucket list event. However, I'm days away from saying goodbye to the pressure sore that has kept me bedridden for the better part of a year and a half. As if this wasn't enough, I do believe that I've finally reached the place of closure with regards to my last relationship. I might have said this before, I'll say it again: 3 and a half years is about frikkin time!

Christmas, 2010, will go down as the first truly merry yuletide in 6 years. Instead of the episode of Jerry Springer that I've gotten used to, this year turned out to be filled with loving family, moments to be cherished and memories to last forever. I was filled with the most incredible sense of gratitude and hope. This, to me, is what Christmas is all about. As an old friend put it so cynically, Gift-mas, is much more than a typo. Sadly it's a reflection of the society we're all a part of. For me, however, this year's event has helped restore my faith.

I suppose I have to say that, in accordance with the up and down nature of the year gone by, the year-end has not been entirely uneventful. For the last three days I've been dealing with a digestive tract that is chosen to go thermonuclear on me. It has not been pretty! My apologies to anyone who reads this with an overactive imagination. So, here I am with auld lang syne on my mind and less than an hour to go. To all my friends; thanks for being so supportive, thanks for being there for me and, probably most of all, thanks for putting up with me. To my amazing family; I love you one and all more than words can say or science can measure – you're all my inspiration, my raison d'être,.

As for resolutions, I never usually make them. My hope is that the New Year will bring new adventures, new challenges, new friends – perhaps even the reappearance of some old ones. My journey through this life has taught me enough to know that things are surprising, sometimes disappointing but never truly boring. It is, after all, the unexpected that keeps us guessing what exactly life will throw at us next. Fake it 'til uou make it, remember that the sun will come out tomorrow – choose your cliche but always remember: never give up, never throw in the towel. The night is always darkest just before the dawn. As for me, I'll hold on to the words of 2 Chronicles 15:7 – "Be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded."

For the frustrated, the bored, or for those looking for a whole new kind of drug...

Someone like me is forever looking to expand the boundaries that life places on me. It is with this mindset that I embarked this week on something I've never done before. For five days now, I've been on a fast. To most people, this would imply starving oneself. Fasting necessarily involves sacrifice. Besides the obvious health issues, I really wouldn't miss food all that much. What I do –, and have – been missing, since Monday, is television. Keeping up-to-date with current affairs, watching my beloved football, these are the things that are staples of mine in any given day. So I've foregone them in an attempt to connect with Him who truly matters.

The first few days were tough. I spent a lot of time in prayer, reading my Bible, and whenever temptation grabbed me, meditating on Christ. Just when I began thinking I was making a total fool of myself, I tried an evening of prayer and worship with music blaring. Guess what? God showed up!!! What he said to me was this: you need to trust me, you need to submit yourself to me, and you need to lighten up and let me in. I have so much I want to give you, so much love, so much grace – why won't you let me? While I'm still waiting, and trusting for more, I am extremely excited. I know so many people going through the toughest of times. All my experience has taught me is to try and convey to them this much; hang in there and truly believe. So many of us want to pretend that we are the masters of our own destiny. So many of us seem to think that it's only up to us. I was one of these people. I was so wrong.

Today is Friday. I'm fasting until Sunday night. Now that I'm sure that God truly listens when I call to him I am all the more determined to hear from Him. Tonight, once again, I'll be cranking up my music and putting my off-pitch voice to the test. Tonight, once again, I will earnestly pray and ask Him how to best go about hearing His voice. I used to care what people thought when I told them that I was a Christian. I used to let people intimidate me into keeping quiet about my love for Jesus. Never again! This is my life, this is my truth.

What a wonderful world...

It's been a long year. I haven't written in quite a while, partly due to a lack of enthusiasm, partly due to the toll my mouthstick is taking on my teeth. Sadly, I have not been blessed with the dentures of a gerbil. But, as with everything else in life opportunities present themselves: I'm teaching my computer to understand my speech. You've got to love technology!

So, where to begin? Is it just me, or is the world going mad? We've certainly had our share of headlines this year. From highlights like the FIFA World Cup, the groundbreaking rescue of Chilean miners, and the announcement of a royal wedding to the inevitable tragedies and disasters that tend to lead news bulletins from day-to-day. My question is this: where is the love? It comes as no surprise to me that we make such a big deal out of the "good" news. After all, we're starved of it. Is the media a true reflection of the world's mood? Are nations really so selfish? Are we, as individuals, truly so apathetic? I'm starting to believe that the world we live in needs an enema.

My life has truly been anything but ordinary. Where once I had the body of an athlete... and the ego to match, now I have what I can only describe as the proverbial opposite. Yet, it seems to me that the former was far more highly prized by others. Does the shallowness of this world have no bounds? Of course it may well be that I'm merely jaded by my own experiences and observations. In a way, I certainly hope so. Ironically, I would feel far happier knowing that I'm merely narcissistic and opinionated. That way the only one who will need changing is me.

As we head into the festive season to come, I hope that people will once again connect with those things that are really important: caring for others unconditionally, appreciating the little things we otherwise take for granted, remembering those who are less fortunate than ourselves and, most importantly, believing that real change can only start with ourselves. Santa Claus and Christmas trees, gifts and holiday frivolity will come and go. While this is a joyous time of the year, next year will bring new opportunities and challenges of its own. I for one intend making 2011 a year to remember. I'm grateful for all the opportunities I have received and I thank God for those people in my life that constantly remind me that this life is not just about me.

Rock 'n Roll!

In the words of Robert Plant, "It's been a long time...". Since I last wrote, I've been busy. I've started work on my Mannatech project and, as I knew in advance, the beginning has been slow but steady. Fortunately I have a few things that are in my favour: I know what to expect (I was with Amway as a student), I'm a people person, and I'm patient. This kind of business does work but too many have the notion that it's 'easy money'. It's not! It involves putting in the work and the overheads (yes, it costs money), but as with any business, what you get out is directly related to what you put in. It's a business, you're the CEO and you should approach it as such. Anyhow, it's encouraging to have a product line you can believe in, and use yourself with confidence. I'm taking Advanced Ambrotose and my pressure sore, as well as the rest of me, is reacting very well to it. I've been on it since December 29th. I can't encourage anyone reading this blog enough to give it a try. Shop talk aside, I really think it can help people. Check out http://www.mannapages.com/guillum and explore the site a little. If, like a skeptical friend of mine, you need empirical evidence, well... here's where I sent him: http://www.mannascience.org.

So, yeah, it's been pretty hectic 'round these here parts... but I've said that already. What I haven't said is that I've done most of it from my bed. That's been tough. The one thing you do a lot of, while bed-ridden, is think... about a great many things. For someone like me, it gets tiring, frustrating, and then infuriating. So, what the hell is the point of it all? This life. What makes it so damn special, anyhow? Are we like the proverbial guinea pigs on the wheel...? Do we run ourselves ragged, never to go anywhere? These are things which could drive you insane, thinking about day after day. Honesty, as it happens, comes at a price. If you want the truth, you must expect to find answers you haven't anticipated or considered worth consideration before. I've been reading a fair bit lately, which isn't surprising. What may come as a surprise to some is that I'm reading the Bible... from cover to cover. My experience of this has been, in a word, unexpected.

Someone once said, "To know God is to know oneself". I have found this assumption to be unhelpful at best and presumptious at worst. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The first question I find myself asking is: "What's right and what's wrong?" We all want to be right and be considered good. So, in who's eyes do we want to be good? Well, it's not a simple question. We live our lives adhering to norms, mores... rules. If we mess up, we are judged and punished by the relevant authority. Ultimately then, it's all about people. People decide. This is how the world works... from the time of Hammurabi to the present. So, was Marx right? Is god simply "...the opiate of the masses"? If he was right, then god is simply a word used to control and manipulate the ignorant and the superstitious. Heaven knows (no pun intended), there is plenty of evidence to substantiate this assertion... the oracle of Delphi, the pharoahs of ancient Egypt, the emperors of China and Japan, all said to be imbued with divine authority. Just think of the dogma that has been associated with the Popes, where anything said ex pulpitate was considered the divine word of God Himself. So where does this leave me?

I believe in a universe of infinite possibility. What this boils down to is that truth can be anything one is able to argue successfully. This is cynical, I grant you, but what I take away from this is that my reality is simply the result of the sum of of all consequences, stemming from choices I make. Ironically, this can be argued Biblically, as God Himself gave mankind the right to make those choices. Our choice to choose Him is the only thing He cannot create. So, coming back to my original quote... "To know God is to know oneself." I think you'll agree then that this statement takes on a new significance when viewed in the light of choice. If I choose to acknowledge God, I choose a reality of which He is a part. Another person might choose to reject God, in which case my reality, my truth, would make no sense whatsoever to that person... and vice versa. I think that which causes people to be so uncomfortable with the beliefs of those adhering to faiths other than their own is one fundamental question: "What if I'm wrong, and they're right?" Here I find some solace as, as a Christian, my eternity is secure, no matter what the eventuality thereof.

On a more upbeat note, I need to clarify that this blog installment wasn't all written in one sitting. There have also been some highlights which, when offset against the dull and the dreary, definitely brings balance to the collage that is my life. It is fair to say that having been lucky enough to attend a quarter-final as well as a semi-final of the 2010 FIFA World Cup has gone a long way to lifting my spirits, as well as adding a huge tick to my bucket list. What these experiences have also done is make me more resolutely determined to realize a life worth living and not merely existing.

What next...?

This has definitely been a week of firsts. Some totally satisfying, others just plain confusing. My long and infuriating wait for a landline finally came to an end on Wednesday, no thanks to Telkom, who lost my original order for a month. Anyhow, it felt really gratifying to finally start my working year. Socially, it was a great week too. I had visits from some good friends, which is definitely welcome if, like me, you're stuck in bed... ugh! I was able to help out a few friends in turn, offering some advice and emotional support... heck, I even found myself tutoring mathematics. So you might ask, where's the confusion?

Although my pursuit of 'truth' led me to become a Christian, I feel sometimes like I just don't understand Christians. I'm a very different person to who I used to be but it just seems like I still relate to non-Christians better. This confuses me... and I'm not easily confused. I can only be the person I am, but that may mean that my expectations in life may have to be re-evaluated. It's like the bard said: "...and unto this, above all else, to thine own self be true." All I can do, I feel, is to go forward in faith.

On a positive note, it seems I'm off on another roadtrip this Easter --- holey bottom dictating. Definitely something to look forward to. Until then, it seems, I'm burying myself in work.

Anywhere but here

One of my greatest ambitions has always been to travel. Until now, my excursions outside of South Africa have been few and far between. I've been all over the world through the many books that I've read. In my mind's eye, I've seen myself picking up gold nuggets on the beach in Nome, Alaska. I've seen excitement in the bullrings of Mexico. I've sailed the length and breadth of the Caribbean, marveling at it's beauty while shedding a tear for it's brutal history... and that's just for starters. So I ask myself, where would I go to if I were afforded the opportunity... and why? Here's my list, picking one place for every month of the year.

January would probably find me in Bangkok, Thailand. With its jumble of crammed streets running in every direction, its collage of colors, sounds and scents, and its proliferation of temples and markets, Bangkok is considered one of the most exciting cities in Asia. Well, that's what the travel brochures say. For me, it holds a special significance... it was my late mom's favourite place on earth, having visited 3 times. If I were to go, I'd consider it deeply spiritual, a way of connecting to someone I loved very much and miss even more.

February would see me in Cozumel, Mexico. Yes, I know it's a tourist trap, but what few know is that it was once an ancient Mayan fertility site. I love the latin culture, the spanish language (it would give me a chance to practice), and it would be the perfect base from which I could go see the Pre-Columbian pyramids, the jungles through which Morgan and Drake trekked, and the diverse architecture of the region. Of course, I'd probably want to employ a tour guide to get the full experience... and let's not forget the food. Mexican cuisine rocks!

March would take me to Luxor, Egypt. Tombs, temples, camels and desert. There's something romantic about visiting a place that was around at the dawn of civilization. To visit the Valley of the Kings, see Tutankhamun's tomb, the ruins of Thebes which include the "City of the Dead"... man! I'm in my element. And what better way to cap it all off than with a Nile cruise to Cairo, taking in the Pyramids of Giza and the Sphinx along the way. A few rounds through the souks, picking up a souvenir or two. That would be a trip worth taking!

So where to in April? Only one place comes to mind. Paris, France. The place I've wanted to experience since I was a boy. Montmatre, the Champs Ellysee, the Louvre, Notre Dame, the Eiffel Tower... the list goes on, and on. To take in all of Paris would take a lifetime. I'd settle for sitting on a bridge across the Seine, eating a baguet, sipping a beaujolais, while pondering the fact that the stone I was on probably came from the Bastille. Paris in springtime... now there's a cliche I wouldn't mind putting to the test.

So we come to May. Here again, the choice is pretty clear... Florence, Italy. This is the capital of Tuscany, which of itself brings images of wine, food and song. Birthplace of the Renaissance, Florence is, for me, about art and architecture. To quote the travel brochures, it is said that, of the 1,000 most important European artists of the second millennium, 350 lived or worked in Florence. The prospect of romance is, of course, a topic I've carefully skirted around up 'til now, but in a place like this... who knows, right?

June should find me in Vienna. This is another one of the places I've always wanted to see. A definite high point would be a trip to the Opera house... bearing in mind that this place was home to the likes of Mozart, Beethoven and Mahler. The art and architecture are also sure to be exquisite, considering that Gustav Klimt is my favourite artist ever. However, as always, it's the people who make any place what it is ultimately... so bring on a cup of wienner-mischung, a piece of torte and a newspaper, and leave me to watch the people from a cafe along the Ringstrasse.

July. My birth month. I'm thinking, let's have some fun! Bring on the American Eastern Seaboard. Yes I know it's not a city, as such. Hey, the US is the US, right? So let's visit Boston first, maybe take in a Sox game. I'm sure there are plenty of significant historical sites too, but I'd settle for a trip to Fenway Park, throwing in some July 4th fireworks... of all kinds. Then it's roadtrip time: next stop, the Big Apple! Just seeing the crazy pace would be entertaining but broadway beckons, methinks. A ferry to the Statue of Liberty, a trip around Times Square, all lit up, and a visit to "Ground zero", the place where our world changed forever. Along with a ride up the Empire State Building, I'd be happy. What about the Met, you ask? Okay, but then we're off again... to the last stop, Washington D.C. (and all the metal detectors). The Smithsonian, the Jefferson memorial, the Lincoln memorial, the Washington Memorial, the White House and the Capitol... I'm such a tourist!

So August comes along and I need a change of pace. China, baby! The toss up is always going to revolve around where. Will it be Beijing, with the Forbidden City, Tianenmen Square and the "Temple of Heaven"? Maybe Shanghai, the place where old meets new? X'ian is also an option, I'd love to see the Qin museum's terracotta warriors. Ultimately, I may have to just draw a lot... I mean, there's just so much. Hongkong, Taipei, a Yang Tze River cruise... the list is so long, and every place has as much to offer as the last. Just let me know exactly what I'm eating at all times --- I don't eat my pets.

September is the month where the seasons change. Autumn comes to the north, spring to the south. I think this the time to cross another event off my "bucket list". We're off to Tanzania and the Serengeti. I love Africa. I love it's people. Most of all, I love its beauty. I've always wanted to take a balloon safari over the Serengeti, watching millions of animals migrate. It would be a dream come true. As long as my needs can be catered for, why not? This is a trip that would take some planning... but if it's doable, wow!

October is synonymous with one event. Oktoberfest. So this is where I pack my bags for Munich, Germany. It might seem out of step for me. After all, it's getting colder. What would a Christian guy like me want in a bierhalle? Short answer... it sounds like a whole lot of fun, a chance to make friends, swig beer and scoff pretzels. Taking in a Bayern Munich game might be fun too. I'm a firm believer to try something at least once, and Munich looks magical. When my doctor said I should have two beers a day for my kidneys I thought he was nuts... here's my chance to test his theory.

November will see me winging my way to Rio, Brazil. Muito bem! It may be my gateway to the Amazon, but just visiting Sugarloaf mountain, the statue of Christ the Redeemer or taking a stroll along Copacabana beach would be amazing. The first prize would, of course, be a trip up the largest river, by volume, on earth. Again, this would take planning, but why not? The Amazon is awesome. Who knows, I may even convince Mariana to come along... if you don't know, she's a Brazilian girl I met in 2009. I believe in endless possibilities!

Last, but certainly not least, we reach December. Here I'm asking myself: "Where would I like to spend Christmas, if not with my family?" The simple answer is "...with more family, of course!" Take me to Nelson, New Zealand. This is an official hint, auntie (You know who you are!) Can it be done? This is one of my more petulant ideas but it would be great.

So there you have it. There are other destinations, of course... but these were off the top of my head. Here's to wishing. Here's to dreaming. Who knows what God'll do?

Dying to get out

Have you ever had one of those days, so filled with effusive nostalgia, that you just can't keep it to yourself? Have you ever had a rush of emotion where you feel like you've experienced the melancholy of the ages and the euphoria of the future perpetua all at once? Today has been one of those days!

To feel with a passion where all you want to do is tear out little pieces of your heart and send them out into the world in unnamed envelopes, having faith that you will impart something akin to a beatific experience to those who seek hope most. This has been my day, whether for better or for worse... and no, there was no chemical catalyst.

The heat today is breathtaking, the intensity of my excitement is overwhelming. I feel like I want to float, I feel like I want to cry out with every ounce of my being. While I don't even possess the strength to convey these words, I'm humbled by the power I feel while writing them. If you have been touched or blessed by these sentiments... to God goes the glory and like me you should thank him. I don't know where it all came from.

Now it's time to go swim... I'm melting.

Frustration with the human condition...

If I had to try and put my last week into one word, it would be "Aaaagh!" Okay, I know that's not a word, strictly speaking, but my life isn't exactly going according to script. What does that mean, one may ask? Well, let me give you a glimpse of what some of my challenges are. At the moment, I'm healing from a pressure sore, a necrotic hole in my backside. You could say I have a proverbial "pain in the ass". Ironically, I have it because I don't feel pain. Ok, so, on its own, it's not enough to get me down but these things take time to repair --- not days... months! It does tend to slow me down.

Someone told me a little while ago how they always admired my positivity. I always try and make the best of things but even I get times where I feel despondent. I'm not someone who enjoys the idea that I can't do something. In my own mind, I'm capable of anything. What the mind can conceive, and believe, it can achieve! Throw in the favour of God, and there's nothing beyond me. Yeah, okay, I also have to set realistic goals for myself. I do believe, however, that there's a reason why, in close to 20 years, I've never had a dream where I was confined to a wheelchair. I've never allowed myself to have a "cripple" mindset.

So here I am, gradually building a case of cabin-fever, and it feels like there's very little I can do about it. I can keep busy, but there's only so much books, movies, or even work can do for me. I'm trying pretty hard to steel myself. I know what the timeframe is going to be. I'm just struggling at the moment. It's good to have friends and family to encourage me but, in the end, I've got to walk this path alone. I'm very grateful for a pseudo-anonymous portal like this blog to allow me to vent... God grant me patience, God grant me grace, God show me mercy, in Jesus' name. Amen.

This is the life... or is it?

I could really get used to this! Having a few days where I just kick back with some DVDs, a good book and some test match cricket. Throw in the odd braai (that's what we in South Africa call a barbeque), a beer or two, and I'm a very happy guy. It's at times like these that I often reflect on things. I had a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment yesterday, an epiphany it could be called.

We tend to entertain ourselves with 'escapism', that is to say, immersing ourselves in the doings of others, whether it be the characters in a story, sporting heroes... anyone but ourselves. It seems that we find it pleasurable imagining ourselves living out our lives as someone else, doing something else, somewhere far, far away. This got me thinking: How many of us are human 'beings' as opposed to human 'doings'? How many of us live our lives in the third person?

I like to think that I'm the kind of guy that lives life with purpose, with passion. I have hopes and dreams --- I'm sure most people do. The question I find myself asking is: "How much of our ambition-, how many our expectations-, how many of the criteria for measuring our own happiness- have we taken on-board through comparing ourselves to others... real or imagined?" It's rather sad to hear so many people I know speak of their lives with so many regrets.

A friend recently told me that these are "supposed" to be the best years of my life. I'm 36 years old. The accident I had at 16 put pay to my dreams of being a surgeon. Does that mean that I've had 20 "wasted" years? I spent 10 years in tertiary education, spanning 3 different courses. I spent 7 years in a relationship with an amazing woman. I've had some incredible experiences. For me, the most meaningful "success" I've had was realizing that throughout this time I have been discovering different aspects of someone, it turns out, I barely knew... myself.

Today I stand on the threshold of finally seeing a fruition-, a culmination- of everything I've learned and hoped for. I am excited. I am expectant. I did it on my own terms. Roll on, 2010!